Why do bad things happen to good people?

    First of all, even though I chose it, I want to debate the title of this post.  I've come to realize this is not "bad" news.  Certainly it is unexpected and unplanned, but it is not necessarily bad.  Certainly it will be hard to watch as this child likely will struggle to do things that come easily for his older sisters, but this would be true of any child.  And every child is different, even children with Down syndrome.  He may not struggle in all the ways the experts say that he will.  And, the harder something is, the more we will celebrate the accomplishment of it.  Secondly, I don't consider myself "good."  I strive to live a life that pleases God, but I am by no means "good."  I am a sinner, as is everyone else on earth.  

    So throughout the Bible, throughout history and in our lives today, we see "bad things" happen all around us.  Bad things began happening when sin entered the world through Adam and Eve.  Does this mean if something bad happens to us it is because of a certain sin in our life? No.  Certainly sin does have consequences, and some "bad things" in our lives our a direct result of sin.  For example, losing your job because you got caught stealing from your company, is a direct result of sin.  But just because something bad happens, doesn't mean it is a consequence of sin.  Think of the blind man in John 9:1-3 where the disciples asked "who sinned this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?"  

    So yes, God does allow bad things to happen in our lives.  However, as Christians we are given the promise in Romans 8:28 "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God." 

   Also, we cannot leave this topic without looking at all the undeserved good things that happen in the Bible and in our lives today that are undeserved.  Going back to the story of Adam and Eve, God promised that if they ate from the tree, they would "surely die."  And we all know, they did not die, they continued to live.  Sure they were punished, but they were given a less severe punishment.  Not only did God not kill them, he also lovingly made them clothes out of animal skin, as a father would provide for his children.  When we went to the last doctor's appointment and received the news that there probably is not a major heart defect, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I did not deserve this.  I felt like this was a gift directly from my loving Father and an answer to prayer.  I am incredibly grateful for all the prayers said on our behalf.  

   I am not a theologian.  I do not pretend that I am setting to rest an age old question in one blog post.    However, these are my thoughts and conclusions as I am going through this situation and I hope you find encouragement from it.  

Good news!

     Today we went for our second maternal fetal medicine appointment.  I was preparing myself to hear bad news.  Actually, we instead received great news.  While it is still too early to tell, there were no gross abnormalities of the heart.  This means that most likely there are no major cardiac abnormalities.  However, it is still too early to tell if there is something like a whole in between two chambers of the heart.  The kidneys also looked normal.  We are so excited and are cautiously optimistic.  Thank you for all the prayers!

The letter

Over the past 24 hours we decided to tell most of our family and friends the news by email or letter.  Here is the message we are sending.  It has been edited slightly since we originally wrote it.

  

Dear family and friends,

As you probably know, we are expecting a baby in June.  This is something we have prayed for and God has answered our prayer.  We found out last week we were having a boy, in the same conversation we found out that he has Down Syndrome.  This was confirmed when I saw the high risk doctor this week.    

We believe that God has chosen us to be his parents, and Addison and Anna Kate to be his big sisters.  We still consider this pregnancy a joyous occasion, and is the answer to our prayer.  We believe God has chosen our children specifically to bless our family.  He knew our son would have Down Syndrome and he knew it would affect us, individually and as a family.  Ps 127:3  says, “Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him.”  He does not say only healthy children or genius children.  All children are a reward from Him and we thank Him constantly for each of ours, including the one not yet born.  1 Sam 1:27 says “For this child I have prayed…” and this has not changed. 

In reality, we do not know what tomorrow holds, what this summer holds, what life will be like with our son who has an extra chromosome, but we do know for certain that we will love him no matter what when he arrives, as we love our two daughters.  We already love him.  

We ask that you try as hard as possible not to feel sorry for us.  We truly believe this is God’s plan, He knew this and chose us.  If Eddie is up all night with a colicky baby (while Angie sleeps) or one of our children has a stomach virus and throws up on us, then feel free to feel sorry for us, as we would for you in the same situation.  If we are up with him at LeBonheur because he needs heart surgery, feel free to feel sorry for us.  We ask that you try not to feel guilty if all of your children have no medical problems, again we feel God has chosen your children for you and our family for us.  

Certainly we have mourned for the child who will not have the life we envisioned for him.  Certainly we are human, and will likely mourn again and have many different emotions through all of this.  But please right now rejoice with us for the many things we are thankful for about this.  

We thankfully are friends with our doctor.  I went to medical school with her, she is a former coworker.  She had the hard job of telling me this news.  I later texted her to let her know I was doing ok.  She wrote this response: “I love you and am praying for you.  I cried this morning when Pat showed me the result.  Then I had a sense of peace picturing the adorable BOY surrounded by you, Eddie, and your girls.  I will do whatever you to support you through this!”   We are thankful we live in a city with excellent medical facilities, specialists, instead of overseas or in a small town.  We are thankful that unless the delivery plan changes, we live less than 10 minutes from the hospital we will deliver at, as there is a strong likelihood he will have to stay in the hospital after I go home, and will likely be in the NICU.  

We are thankful that we are financially stable.  Eddie makes us budget, and we live below our means.  We are thankful for our vast support system of family and friends who all love us.  We are thankful we have family in town that already help us tremendously with our children and will continue to do so.  We are thankful for two special daughters who do not see this any differently.  They know that they are having a baby brother (well, Anna Kate still calls him a girl! So she will be a little shocked when he arrives) and they are very excited.  We are thankful that God has placed in a large church where there are lots of resources for special needs children.  We are thankful for how God will use this in our lives.  I have the difficult job of occasionally telling patients that their ultrasound shows their baby has a problem or that a test is abnormal.  Now I can better emphasize with them. 

We are thankful that we live in a great school district that has the ability to help us educate our son.  We happen to be districted for the only elementary school in our district with an inclusive special needs preschool beginning at age 3.  We are thankful that we found out so early, so that we can plan and be as well prepared as possible.  Many families don’t find out until after birth. We are thankful that he has a common, well known, well studied syndrome that many doctors have expertise in so that he will be well taken care of.  We are so very thankful he does not have a diagnosis of certain death during infancy or in the womb, as some syndromes do.  Over 75% of prenatal diagnoses of Down Syndrome end in termination of pregnancy.  We are SO thankful he has been chosen to be a member of our family, where this will not happen.  

We also ask that you pray with us as we go through this journey.  Here are some specific requests.  50% of children with Down Syndrome have a heart defect, we pray that he doesn’t have one or if he does, it is detected and repairable.  This is our greatest concern.  We pray that he doesn’t have serious vision or hearing problems.  We pray that he doesn’t have serious kidney problems.  We pray that the pregnancy goes smoothly, that he is not born too early.  We pray that his newborn period is smooth, without serious breathing, eating or growth problems.  We pray for the wisdom of the doctors and staff caring for us.  Finally, we pray for wisdom in parenting, choosing specialists, treatments, education plans, etc. for him. 

We ask that if this moves you at all, please examine your own life during this holiday season.  If there is a relationship that needs to be mended, try to mend it.  If there is sin in your life, break free of it.  If you need to reset your priorities, change them.  If you do not have a relationship with Christ, we urge you to receive Him today.  He is what is carrying us through this.  We are certainly examining our own lives and attempting to make changes for the good. 

We are open to any questions.  We realize that we are asking for a lot of prayer, which may be selfish, but realize that first and foremost our list of things we are thankful for is long, and will get longer as the days go on.   We know God gives us strength.  Ps. 121:1-2 says, “I lift my eyes up to the Lord, where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, maker of Heaven and earth.” 

Love,

Eddie, Angie, Addison, Anna Kate, and Baby Boy Childers

School visit

     Certainly I did not sleep much last night.  Many tears were shed, which made my head hurt terribly, which made it more difficult to sleep.  I read a lot about Down syndrome.  Some of it was reassuring, some of it was not.  I am concerned about the physical problems that can be associated with Down syndrome and am praying that he would have as few of these as possible.  The main thing I am concerned about is his heart.  50% of people with Down syndrome have heart defects.

     We have been looking at schools for our oldest, who will be starting kindergarten in August.  There is one private school in particular that we like and were leaning towards sending her there, however we still needed to look at the public school we are zoned for.  We have always planned on sending all of our children to the same school and not changing schools unless absolutely necessary.  Since receiving the news, the public school looks all that more appealing, since most private schools do not have many options for special needs children.  I had planned on visiting the public school today, and decided I still needed to do this as planned.  I had met a lady at our neighborhood park several months ago who raved about the school.  Her daughter is the same age as our oldest daughter.  Her daughter has special needs and is in the preschool that has special needs children as well as typical peers and starts at age 3.  It turns out that this is the only school in our small school district that has this program, and we just so happen to be zoned for it!  Her conversation is playing back in my head today.   I can feel the Lord working in our life already and feel like He will divinely intervene thru this visit today.

    As I drive to the school, both girls in tow, I decide that I cannot leave the school without asking about the special education department.  I will have to explain why I am asking, because both my children appear normal, so I am praying that I will not get upset in front of this perfect stranger.  I decide I will ask at the end of the tour, since I expect other prospective parents will be on the tour and will not be interested in the special education department.

    When I enter the office, I am asked to complete a form with name, prospective student's name, etc. on it.  The last question ask if there is anything extra would we like to see on the tour.  I am so grateful for this.  I write that I am expecting, and my son has Down syndrome, so I would like to see the special education department.  I am also pleasantly surprised that I am the only parent who has come for the tour today, so I can freely ask any questions I have, and I do!   The tour guide read my form prior to the tour and asked me about the last question.  I explain that we know this is God's plan and yes I would like to see the special education department.  She has had some experience with it herself, because one of her children needed speech therapy when he first started school here.  

     Artwork is everywhere in the school--all over the walls and hanging from the ceiling.  She takes me to visit one of the kindergarten classes.  She wasn't aware there was a substitute teacher today, but despite that the substitute has them divided out in groups doing different things.  I would have expected the substitute to just have them all seated doing busy work.  I was also happy to see the desk arranged in pods, kind of like tables, instead of lined up in rows--after all these are little kids!  One of the private schools I visited had preschoolers in individual desks in rows, and it seemed so sad to me because they were so little! We went thru the gym class.  Music was blasting and the kids were running around taking turns throwing a kick ball thru a hula hoop--it looked so fun!  

    Because the tour guide felt that she could not answer all of my questions regarding the special education program, she ushered me in to meet the principal and ask him any further questions I had.   I was hoping that I would be able to meet him.  I asked about the possibility of having my soon to be 3 year old enter next year as a typical peer.  He said that is determined in July and is mostly determined based on behavior, as my daughter is pulling stuff off of his bookshelf. 

    Two other things occurred today.  I visited my grandmother in the nursing home and told her the news.  She was the first person who was really not saddened by the news and instead told me what a blessing it would be.  I also think she felt encouraged that I told her how important it was that she pray for us and that I was so thankful she was still living (as all my other grandparents are not) so that I could share this with her.  I also contacted a friend from high school who has a son with Down syndrome, as she graciously called me, despite not speaking to her since high school.  She only had encouraging things to say. 

The news

     I am fortunate that my obstetrician is my friend.  We went to medical school together and worked together until she decided to open up her own practice.  I've been waiting for her to tell me the results of the Panorama test I had drawn 10 days ago.  It detects fetal DNA in maternal blood as early as 9 weeks!  It is a prenatal screen that detects chromosomal abnormalities and also detects the gender of the baby.  I decided to get the test done so that I could find out as soon as possible if I was having a boy or girl, but also if there was something wrong, I wanted to be prepared.  Laura, my doctor, texted me this afternoon asking if I was working.  I told her that I was, but wasn't busy and was hoping she was going to let me know if I was having a boy or a girl!!!!  I was expecting her to call or text back, but she didn't.  Well, she must be busy.  When I left work, I called her and left a voice message.  I started to worry a little as to why she didn't just text me back, and why the nurse wasn't just calling me to tell me the results.  I was probably just being paranoid.  

     Then she called.  We were having a boy...and he has Down syndrome.  The test read that there is a 99 out of 100 chance that he has Down syndrome.  The test is extremely accurate.  The Panorama website quotes a false positive rate of 0%.  I chose to believe that the test was correct, and not to focus on the 1 in 100 chance of there not being Down syndrome. My initial response was overwhelming grief--mourning for the loss of his life being how I had envisioned.  However, I was also grateful that if there was a chromosomal abnormality, it wasn't something that meant certain death in utero or shortly after birth, as like some chromosomal abnormalities.  I also was grateful that he had something that was well known and well researched instead of a chromosomal abnormality few people knew anything about.  Overall I knew that this was God's plan.

Our little pumpkin

Today we posted this picture on Facebook.  We are so excited!  The girls and I are hoping for a girl, mainly because I want to use all those cute baby clothes again and do not want to paint the nursery.  Eddie, of course, wants a boy.  We should find out soon.